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. We have learned to not trust ourselves; we are caught in the fundamental delusion that truthand happiness lie far away, that they are the property of ancient saints rather than right at hand. When we feel in pain, bad about ourselves or disappointed in those closest to us, it is hard to havefaith that just letting go of our erroneous imaginations is sufficient.We sometimes are so full ofself-disgust we fear if we ease up on our conditioned styles of thinking and customary habits,we ll discover not an acquiescent mind but a seething cauldron within us.We sometimes fear thateven if we do discover some transient peace or calm, it will be vulnerable to outside interference.In our first session Arlene, a 28 year old woman, told me she had been inpsychotherapy before without much benefit.She said ever since she had been ateenager she had felt anxious.When she got tense, she would fight the feelings fora while, then eventually either go get drunk or eat compulsively to take thefeelings away.Both of these would satisfy her temporarily, but then she would feelguilty and anxious about what she d done.Then the cycle would start all over.During the session she began to explore the possibility that she was not somuch sick as sensitive.She felt America was a rather frenzied place, which tendedto set off her anxiety.She d been visiting Greece since she was 11 years old, andhad spent a few months there recently; she discovered that her anxiety graduallyfaded in that situation.Eating under the open sky, away from television and trafficjams, she had been able to calm down.She was able to identify how her anxiety had allies in the culture aroundher, with magazine covers and televisions blaring instructions on what she should be as a woman, reinforcing any insecurities she might have aboutherself.We explored what allies she had for counteracting the messages societypromoted and maintaining her sense of being able to trust herself and feel asense of calm and equilibrium.She said most of her life she had no allies forsoothing herself besides eating and drinking, but recently something hadchanged.Just a week or two ago as she began to feel anxious, she found herselfdoodling, and her drawing helped give her some distance from her anxiety.Shehad said to herself, well, let me see what happens if I just let myself be anxiousand kind of notice what it s like. To her surprise, she found the anxietydissipated after a few hours.We discussed how the knack involved was to not push away the experience,but not get swept up in it either.I asked if she were aware that what she had justdiscovered, spontaneously, was a skill -- a kind of mindfulness practice -- thatmany people went to stress management classes, meditation centers, and so forthto learn.I asked her what she thought would happen when she continued tocultivate her mindful doodling. She felt optimistic, but also fear.She didn t feel she could rely on herself.Shewas sure doodling wouldn t be enough, that she d get swept up in her anxietyand old habits and not be able to step back enough to listen to herself, let herselfhave her feelings and find her own true vision.So she was planning to leave thecountry in about two months to move to Greece to be with her boyfriend. We seek outside ourselves.Like Arlene, we all know the feeling of wanting to get away from itall; we seek to find a peaceful sanctuary in some other place than where we are.A client goes offto a clinic to see a therapist; a Zen student goes off to a meditation retreat to see an enlightenedteacher; a therapist goes to a program or a workshop to see a famous clinician.We think theyhave what we don t: perhaps they have The Answer; perhaps they can provide that fundamentalsomething we are looking to rely on.We are seeking that which, when we enter the midnight of our lives, will shine bright and actas a guide, removing pain, showing the way
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